For Everything That Was Written

"For everything that was written in the past was written to teach us, so that through endurance and the encouragement of the Scriptures we might have hope." Romans 15:4

Someday, today will be "the past".

Will our stories, whether written on paper, or told to the coming generations of our family, be an encouragement? Will they reflect on how we relied on God's strength instead of our own? Of how we overcame trials walking in God's will?

As a writer, this verse has taken on a different meaning than the one that was taught to me in Sunday School. It still holds that same assurance of scripture, but it also reminds me that my job here is to be an encouragement through the words that I type.

My husband says that I take myself too seriously. I probably do. And still, the weight of this verse is such to remind me that I must measure my words carefully by scripture. To very prayerfully pour them into my posts.

This verse applies to each of us this way, whatever it is that we are called to do. It is God's desire that all of his children are an encouragement to those around them. We are the salt and the light. Someday, we will be the past. Will our stories teach others to walk with endurance and faith?

The last week has been so busy my head is still spinning. We had a great four day weekend for our "Staycation" in Fort Smith. We visited the National Historic Site there and roamed downtown like real tourists. The only difference was that it took us around 45 mintues to get home.

I kicked off the work week on Tuesday with a meeting with a contractor and plant audit. Wednesday and Thursday slipped by with four reports filed and all the busy work trying to be semi prepared for Friday morning when the EPA would arrive. At least I was given notice ahead of time. I had time to go throught the checklist. None of the Inspectors findings came as a surprise. I just hope they take the fact that we were working on this program into consideration. It still wasn't pretty, but I guess it went as well as could be expected. Now the real work begins.

I think that everyone at work was a little surprised that I was so cool and calm about everything. But for two days this week my desk calendar spoke to me everything I needed. Especially Thursday when everything was down to the wire. It said:

"My peace I leave with you, my peace I give unto you: not as the world giveth, give I unto you. Let not your heart be troubled, neither let it be afraid. John 14:27 KJV

How could I possibly be afraid when God speaks to me from right beside my monitor?

This year has been a whirlwind of tears, laughter, sad smiles, hilarity, and work. I know the last one doesn't seem to belong, but it has been there dominating my life. So much so, that I feel like I have neglected everything important to me to some degree. I get that "spinning out of control" feeling more and more often. It's punctuated by fleeting happy days, to few and too far between. This week is a happy week. I'm not in a hurry, I am just enjoying the days off.

Some people misunderstand me and think that I don't like my work. That's mostly due to my frequent expression of frustration. It is true, that I haven't always liked it. It was very stressful at one time. I was asked to do and report things that were contrary to what I agreed with. Some of the confusion is probably due to the fact that I work at the same place. Most people didn't understand what I did when I worked in the lab. Almost everyone that I know doesn't understand what I do now that I'm in Environmental Health and Safety. Not only am I in a totally different field, I have new bosses. So the job that I had two years ago, isn't even close to the one that I have now. To top all that off, I am not the same person I was two years ago. I can't really say what is different. But as much as one person can change in a year, I think I have. And as if that weren't enough of a reason to desire change, I'm not married to the same person I was when he left. Now that he's back, we are more like two pieces of sandpaper being rubbed together. We are the same in many ways, but so different at the same time. Eventually we will get used to each other again. I never thought that I would have to go through the newly wed period again12 years into marriage. All these changes at home, and I question myself everyday, why I devote so much time and energy to a job. I love the challenge, I love learning something new everyday, I love who I work for, I love having the little bit of money that it provides (after gas and daycare). All that and I'm not fulfilled. I know the answers. The Why? is not the point of this post. It's a simple answer really, one that I've known since the day I dropped off the six-week-old L at daycare and started back to work. I want to stay home with him. I want to be his teacher. I want to provide for my family in ways that hired help cannot. And the degree of energy and creativity that my job requires will not allow that. If I don't have something that challenges and requires me to learn new things, I will get bored. And, what is more challenging and ever-changing than a creative, strong-willed child and a fixer upper house? I know what I need to do, I just don't know how to muster up the courage to do it. I don't know how to convince the people closest to me that this is the right thing to do.

I went to my first Relay for Life tonight. I went because my mother was diagnosed with breast cancer this year. I'm glad that I went. I danced with the music. I laughed at the shirt that said simply and perfectly, "I hate cancer.". I walked with someone who knew exactly how I feel. But the first thing I did was cry. Walking toward the team tent was one of the hardest walks I've ever made in my life. Because it means that I was there for a reason. My Mama. For the most part this whole thing, the news, the surgeries, the treatments, they've all seemed like a hurricane. It's like it's not real. Even though I know it is. I think sometimes life hits you like a tour bus on I-40. This year has been just like that. As hard and long as deployment was, it was nothing to this. This year is barely 4 months old and I've felt the earth shake more times this year than I ever have in my life. I am so thankful that I have a God whose love WILL NOT be shaken.

Marvelous Love

"What marvelous love the Father has extended to us! Just look at it we're called children of God! That's who we really are." 1 John 3:1 MSG

This verse brings to mind a recent trip to the supercenter to pick up a package of Pull-Ups. The marketing strategy behind all this is that the children's section, more specifically, baby food and diapers, are at the very back of the store, right next to the milk and eggs. No coincidence there. The real genius is that every four feet in every direction are cookies, toys and other desirable unnecessities. On this particular trip as we were starting through the store, my three-year old son noticed a certain toy positioned right his eye level, that he had been asking for. There was one item on my list. It was not the dino-track-mega-racecar set that he had "always wanted". He screamed at the top of his lungs for the whole way through the store and the whole way back to the check out counter. I don't just mean crying and sobbing, he sounded like we were hurting him. We weren't, although pinching his head off crossed both our minds. We tried explaining. We tried reasoning. We promised punishment. We looked at each other, shook our heads and shrugged our shoulders. I paid for the Pull-Ups and we ran for the car. I'm sure everyone was happy to see us go. We ran because we didn't want anyone that knew us to see who that screaming kid was.

How many times have we acted in such a way to embarrass our heavenly Father? How many times have we been so intent on our wants that we failed to see that he provides everything we need? EVERYTHING. But in His perfect love, He doesn't duck out on us. He still wants to mark us as his own. What marvelous love!

Later that night, I was listening to my voicemail messages because I had left my phone at home. One was from my mother telling me that she had seen my car outside the store! It turned out that she had heard all the commotion but never realized that it was us. She had only wondered why the parents of that child didn't just take him home.

Now the incident has become one of those stories that we will keep as a reminder to send one into the store and leave one in the car with the boy. It will also be a reminder of God's amazing love for us.

Lord, thank you for being a Father that loves us and wants to call us Your own, no matter what we do. Thank you for loving us even though we are ungrateful and forgetful of your grace, mercy and provision. Help us to remember your love for us so that we can mirror it for the world to see what a marvelous Father you are. Amen.

What Am I Afraid Of?

A few weeks ago, a group of ladies at my church started the new Beth Moore "Esther" bible study. Last weeks lessons were on conquering fear. I've written about this subject before. I've thought about it even more often. There was a time that I never made a decision without considering the "what ifs". I finally grew to see that to live God's way, I was not going to be able to do that anymore. It's still a struggle sometimes. Especially, the big decisions. Part of my self project today is to make a list of some of the decisions that I'm facing and not wanting to make because I'm afraid. Maybe I'll let you know how some of them turn out. Most of them are too personal for me to really share. Or at least, too personal for me to want to bare my soul to that degree. But what I can share is what I'm going to do with that list. I haven't completely decided yet. Maybe I'll post it up somewhere conspicuous so that I have to think about it. What I am going to do is make myself pray and think about each item on that list. I'm going to decide if I've been avoiding it because I'm afraid of the "what ifs" or if it's something that I don't really need to do right now.

"Commit your work unto the Lord, and your plans will be established." Proverbs 16:3 NRSV

Boy, did I need to hear that today. I have been so flooded with deadlines and details that I can't say which end is up. From here, even with 4 reports and a program review behind me, the mountain of paperwork to get done before the end of the month is still overwhelming. My task list grows faster than I can cross things off. And to top all that off, I've come down with a cold. To keep this from sounding like a pity party, that verse on my calendar this morning is exactly what I needed. There has never been any doubt that I am where God wants me to be. Confusion and feelings of inadequacy, sure, but never doubt. So when I say that verse out loud (meaning: out loud in my head, so my coworkers and company visitors don't think I've totally lost it) I am commiting all these tasks to Him and guess what, he always knew that I would have this much to do on February 18, 2009. He knew that I wouldn't feel good. And he knew that I would get them done. Because the plans were already established for me to succeed here, in spite of myself and "woe is me" attitude. That happens to be gone now.